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      首 页 《读者》航空版 关于《读者》 订购《读者》 早期文章 在线投稿 来稿选登 广告刊登
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      当前位置:首页早期文章选登
      我为什么失去了你
      来源:《读者》2007年第05期    时间:2012/10/19    阅读:7312次

      作者:张洁

       

        十八岁的时候仇恨自己的脸蛋,为什么像奥尔珈那样红得像个村妇,而不能拥有丹吉亚娜的苍白和忧郁!不理解上两个世纪的英国女人,在异性到来之前为什么捏自己的脸蛋,使之现出些许的颜色。而现在对着自己阴沉而不是忧郁、不仅苍白而且涩青的脸色想,是否肝功能不正常;

        十八岁的时候为买不起流行穿戴而烦恼,认为男人对我没有兴趣是因为我的不“流行”。而今却视“流行”为不入流之大忌,惟恐躲之不及地躲避着“流行”。

        十八岁的时候为穷困而窘迫、害躁。如今常在晚上八点以后,穿着最上不得台面的衣服,去五星级的国贸大饭店,买打折的面包。那里有特别的师傅、特别的面粉、特别的做法、特别的香料。为求品质上乘、口味新鲜,二十点过后就半价销售,第二天上的货,绝对是刚从烤炉里出来的。一天晚上早到三十分钟,毫不尴尬地对售货小姐凯瑟琳说:“先放在这儿,等我到下面超市买些东西,回来就是八点了。”我们现在成了老交情,她远远看见我,就对我发出明媚的微笑;

        十八岁的时候,喜欢每一个party,更希望自己是注意的中心。现在见了party尽量躲,更怕谁在“惦记”我;

        十八岁的时候豪情满怀、义不容辞地为朋友两肋插刀。现在知道回问自己一句:人家拿你当过朋友吗?而后哑然一笑;

        十八岁的时候为第一根白发惊慌失措,想到有一天会死去而害怕得睡不着觉。现在感谢满头白发替我说尽不能尽说的心情,想到死亡来临的那一天,就像想到一位可以信赖却姗姗来迟的朋友;

        十八岁的时候铁锭吃下去都能消化,面对花花世界却囊中羞涩。现在却如华老栓那样,时不时按按口袋“硬硬的还存”,眼瞅着花花世界却享受不动了,哪怕一只烧饼也得细嚼慢咽,稍有闪失就得满世界找三九胃泰;

        十八岁的时候喜欢背诵普希金的诗“假如生活欺骗了你,不要忧伤,不要心急,阴暗的日子总会过去……”现在只要有人张嘴刚发出一声“啊——”就浑身发冷、起鸡皮疙瘩,除了为朋友捧场,从不去听诗歌朗诵会;

        十八岁的时候渴望爱情,愿意爱人也愿意被人爱。现在知道“世上只有妈妈好”,如果能够重活一遍,是不是会做周末情人不好说(如果合适的情人那么好找,也就不只“世上只有妈妈好”),但肯定会买个精子做单身妈妈;

        十八岁的时候相信的事情很多。现在相信的事情已经屈指可数;

        十八岁的时候非常怕鬼。现在知道鬼是没有的,就像没有钱,面包也不会有的一样千真万确;

        十八岁的时候就怕看人家的白眼,讨好他人更是一份“生命中不能承受之轻”。现在你以为你是谁?鄙人就是这个样儿,你的眼睛是黑是白,跟我有什么关系?善待某人仅仅因为那个人的可爱,而不是因为那个人对我有什么用;

        十八岁的时候“君子一言,驷马难追”那样腐朽地对待每个许诺、每个约定,为说话不算数、出尔反尔的人之常情而伤心、苦恼、气愤、失眠、百思不得其解,宁可人负我,不可我负人地等到不能再等的时候……现在,轻蔑地笑笑,还你一个“看不起”,下次不再跟你玩了行不行;

        十八岁的时候明知有人盘剥你的青春、你的心智、你的肉体、你的钱财……却不好意思说“不”,也就怪不得被人盘剥之后,又一脚踹入阴沟。而成名之后,连被你下岗的保姆都会对外宣称,她是你的妹妹,侄女、外甥女……更因为可以说出你不喜欢炒青菜里放酱油而证据确凿。有些男人,甚至像阿Q那样声称“当初我还睡过她呢”,跟着也就不费吹灰之力,一夜蹿红;

        对名人死后如雨后春笋般的文章《我与名人XXX》,从来不甚恭敬。甚至对朋友说,我死之前应该开列一份清单,有过几个丈夫、几个情人、几个私生子、几个兄弟姐妹、几个朋友……特别是几个朋友,省得我死了以后再冒出什么什么,拿我再赚点什么什么。朋友说,那也没用,人家该怎么赚还怎么赚,反正死无对证了??梢彩?,即便活着时人家要是黑上了你,你又能对证什么;

        十八岁的时候想象回光返照之时,身旁会簇拥着难舍难割的亲友。现在留下的遗嘱是不发丧、不遗体告别、不开追悼会……如有可能,顶好像只老猫那样,知道结尾将近,马上离家出走,找个人不知鬼不觉的地方,独自享用最后的安宁。老猫对我说,它之所以这样做,是因为有句话得留到那个时候自己说:“再也没有人可以打搅我了”;

        …………

        一个竟有那许多说不完的、十八岁的不了情……


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